A Family Problem

Written by Leslie Hershberger

Parenting

Who is the emotionally "healthy one" in the family? The answer is...it depends. Reflecting on one's family of origin, like reflecting on your Enneagram (a personality style which helps us understand ourselves and others), offers incomparable insight into how we think about ourselves, others and the decisions we make.

Look at it like this: when you are in a family or unconscious of your personality, it is like you are a fish swimming in a fishbowl. You are unaware of its limitations because you are in it. Hop out of the fishbowl and you can see that it is a bowl and there is a whole other world outside of it.

Outside the Box

Kate is considered a "problem" in her family of origin.* She chose a career path unlike the paths deemed acceptable, she no longer practices the religion in which she was raised and her partner not only wears a tattoo, but is also comfortable expressing conflicting views which breaks the unspoken family rule of "nice and easy." It was not always this way.

Kate's parents modeled "the perfect marriage" according to friends and family. For years, Kate believed this illusion. Yet, with time, she realized she had become a therapist of sorts for her mother who was often angry and frustrated with Kate's father's refusal to seek treatment for his hidden depression. Kate offered reassurance, advice and counsel to her mother. Her father accused Kate's mother of being controlling and bossy and Kate would talk with him to reduce conflict.

It wasn't until Kate went into counseling that she had a name for this uncomfortable role: triangulation. Triangulation happens when two people in a relationship (a couple, siblings, friends) experience stress or conflict and knowingly or unknowingly pull in a third party who "carries" the emotional content avoided by the two people in the system.

Kate had unwittingly allowed her mother to avoid her own complicity in perpetuating and unhealthy dynamic. Furthermore, her involvement delayed her parents' ability to experience the inevitable stress point which might have resulted in a more realistic view of the family and a golden opportunity to explore healthy alternatives to inevitable life challenges.

Coping with Unhealthy Patterns

Triangles are not uncommon and are not always destructive. They are problematic when they serve to avoid issues that, if dealt with, can be grist for the mill of healthier, more honest relationships. They become most obvious when the two people experience stress; two close siblings who face conflict may draw in another sibling to avoid dealing with uncomfortable issues.

In another scenario, the child is not the counselor. Rather, the child is seen as the "problem" when in reality, he unwittingly serves as a distraction for parents as they avoid dealing with distress in their own relationship.

A triangle is usually passed down generation to generation. Children are astute observers of unnamed family patterns and unconsciously repeat unhealthy patterns such as scapegoating (the problem child), enmeshment (excessive concern and care for a child, friend or partner) and triangulation.

Recognizing patterns offers freedom for people like Kate and for future generations. With this awareness, she has the freedom to climb from the fish bowl and consciously choose her own path. Furthermore, healthy attention to one's own patterns reduces the potential for real or psychosomatic illness that is often born in dysfunction.

With time, Kate developed greater freedom to extricate herself from enmeshed relationships and to notice when she began to repeat familiar patterns. As she differentiated from the family's script of perfection, she found her own voice and her own calling to open a small yoga studio.

While her parents never did explore their own unhealthy patterns (they diverted their attention to Kate's youngest sister as she went through a divorce and found a sympathetic ear in Kate's brother), Kate was able to find her own inner ground and a partner who respected her autonomy. The emotional pull to counsel her parents arises regularly, but it carries less "heat."

Emerging Stronger

While she is still considered a "problem" because her perspective differs from the family script, she feels a bit lighter and less encumbered by unhealthy roles she used to play. She is more accepting of herself and she has had another unexpected surprise. As she grows in self-acceptance, she grows in the capacity to accept others for who they are...in this moment.

She passes this gift to her children who are less bound by prescribed roles. Self-awareness is one of the gifts she offers for she has the capacity to "catch herself" burdening them with old scripts.

Emotional health within your family is less about playing a scripted role and more about finding your own internal voice and discerning what it is telling you. Its wisdom will carry you home with a freedom you had never imagined.

*Click on Family of Origin for more information.

Leslie Hershberger, MA is a teacher, facilitator, and life coach with extensive experience in business, health care, education and spirituality. She is a certified teacher of the Enneagram, holds a Master's Degree in Theology, and is founder of Integral Women of Cincinnati, which assists the needs of women in transition. Leslie also works with a variety of nonprofit organizations. Visit Leslie at http://www.lfhgroup.com/, or www.TourmalineLifeCenter.com.