Death, Taxes, and Bedbugs

Written by Jen Monday, 23 August 2010 00:45

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If you live in Ohio, you can't avoid them. All three of the above, that is, but particularly the third one. And if you live in Cincinnati, the epicenter of the Bedbug Kingdom in the United States, well, it's only a matter of time before you're cuddling up with the critters at nightfall. Much like the newsmen heralding the White Death of Cincinnati winters (known to outsiders as "snow flurries"), they're a-comin', ready or not.

At least that's the feeling I came away with this week after exploring the media buzz about bedbugs in the Queen City. Time magazine started it http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2011509,00.html by telling the world our dirty little secret: bedbugs find Cincinnatians extraordinarily tasty.

This is not good for tourism.

If my husband proposed a relaxing weekend at, say, the greatest resort on the planet, and I found out the place was crawling with hungry buggers, forget it. It's just a guess that a few other people might agree.

According to The Cincinnati Enquirer http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20100819/NEWS0108/8200357/Bedbugs-invade-local-libraries, bedbugs are invading a variety of spaces here, from daycare centers and hospitals to movie theaters and libraries. (I'm suspiciously eyeing my most recent literary acquisition...thinking twice about that nighttime routine of settling in with a good book.) In fact, the bugs like "places where humans live and gather." Oh well, if it's only places where actual people are... Too bad my virtual world is being remodeled.

The good news is that apparently the critters don't spread disease, but can affect mental health. No kidding. If I find them in my house, I'll be living in a tent in the yard pronto. The other option involves flames and I'm pretty sure that's illegal. Having barely survived the Head Lice Scare of 2008 (no, we didn't have them), I am certain this bedbug thing might do me in.

But what about those who are not so freaked out by this and just want to avoid the itchy pests? What do you do if you travel? Simple. Don't sleep. Don't even enter a hotel. Carry all of your necessary items in one carry-on plastic zip-loc bag. Oh, and forgo those homecoming hugs. Get out the Hazmat suits; require visitors to your home to place all clothing and belongings in a high-heat chamber outside the door and offer them a cozy white robe upon entering. Library books? Haven't you people heard of a kindle ™ , or the Internet? And who needs hospitals? Do-it-yourself surgery worked just fine for the pioneers.

Let's look on the bright side, though. This bedbug problem is one more darn good reason to say no to the kids' sleepover plans. Too risky.

Since there's no (approved) effective and reasonably-priced way to eradicate the pests, I suggest a basic bedbug avoidance plan for all families: encase the mattresses in plastic, forbid anyone to go to a movie theater and hang garlic on the front door.

Better yet, let's put those suggested streetcars to good use after all. Load ‘em up with bedbugs and shuttle them out of town.