Fostering Communication

Written by Donna Evans

Parenting

Communication has changed drastically since we mothers were children. Cell phones, text messaging, instant messaging, these technologies have increased the ease with which we exchange information. Yet parents still struggle to communicate effectively with their children. How can parents and children better communicate? And exactly what is communication anyway? We’re not talking about transmitting facts like what time Joey needs to be picked up from football practice. This isn’t about transmitting data as we do at the office, either.

As a college instructor, I spend a lot of time with young adults, so I asked them what they think good communication with their parents means. Their answers (see the box at right) were as simple as “eat dinner with me.” Others said “be understanding; I am still learning.” I also heard, “don’t compare me with others. I am different.” I pondered the meaning of these comments and then it occurred to me that communication is really a variant of the word communion, which the dictionary defines as “an act of sharing.” So maybe when we communicate with someone we love, it means sharing, spending time together, forgiving one another’s faults.

Be Honest

Ah, now we’re getting somewhere. I started to think about how communication works with my own children. This has been a year of milestones for me. I have celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary. I watched my 21-year-old son go off to the Middle East for two months and then to Europe for another four months of study. My youngest son moved to a city four hours away to begin his freshman year in college. I suppose that makes me an empty nester but, honestly, the nest does not feel that empty yet! Why? I am blessed with frequent emails and phone calls from my sons as they share their new adventures with my husband and me. Yes, they are communicating with us!
Children are the most amazing observers of human behavior. They mimic our actions, reveal our motives and cause us to confront ourselves in a disturbingly honest manner. I vividly recall one instance when I was tired, frustrated and frankly way past the “end of my rope.” I have been told that when you get to the end of your rope you should make a knot and hold on. I suppose it would be fair to say that I had already let go of the rope! My sons asked why they should do something-I can’t even recall what it was. But my response was, “I don’t know! I have never been a mother before and I will never be one again! I am just doing the best I can. Work with me here!” The boys faces looked puzzled at the admission of my own inadequacy. Then they laughed and I laughed and we got on with life. Over the years they have referred to that instance and said it really made them feel better to know that I wasn’t perfect after all! From then on, it became easier to say “I honestly don’t know, but this seems right.” Now my children remind me to be understanding of them, they are still learning. And so am I!

Take the Time

Fast food tastes awful, rapid driving damages your insurance rating and abrupt communication hurts children. The truth is: all good things take time. A wonderful meal takes planning and creativity. Safe driving requires a certain amount of time and there is no getting around it. Proper communication, especially with children, requires time and effort.

As adults we can filter out comments and decide what we take in and what we do not. Our children, however, lack this experience and absorb EVERYTHING-even things we don’t mean or things we wish we would not have said. I can remember calling my son “sweet pea” and he was hurt and sat in his room. I know it sounds silly, but to me it was a term of endearment, but he thought I meant something else. If I had not taken the time to notice his silent rejection, I wonder if he would have carried that hurt for a long time.

Children want to know they are important to you and this is measured in time. It is true that this is a tremendously busy generation, but we have choices. We choose to do what is important to us. Volunteer to work at your child’s school or church group. If you are working during the day, get involved in weekend and evening activities with your child. Make one night a week special for the whole family and commit to eating together or playing games together. However you do it, spend time together! No matter what age your children are, this time is essential.

Respect Your Child

Your children want to know that you respect them and will treat them with dignity. As adults we often feel crushed when treated as if we did not matter. Imagine how a child feels when the “all powerful” parent treats him or her with disrespect or as if their dignity did not matter! When my sons were little, I was frightened to take them to airports overseas. What if we were separated or lost? Someone suggested that I buy a harness or a restraining device so my two-and- a-half-year-old would not run off. I thought it would be wise to test this system at the mall before a big trip and my son was horrified. He straightened his shirt in a most dignified manner, thrust his defiant chin forward and explained to me that he was “a boy, not a dog!” I told him that I was worried he would run away and I would not find him. We negotiated a solution. If he would keep his hand on the stroller I would never bring out the harness device again. We both kept our word. My son is 21-years-old now and still rankles at the memory.

While I passionately believe that protecting their dignity is paramount, I will admit I have used this knowledge as a threat. More than once I told my sons if they did not do their homework, I would follow them to each class in my pajamas and robe without bothering to comb my hair in the morning. This threat (never actually carried out) was a wonderful tool for ensuring that homework was ALWAYS done. In all seriousness, protect your children’s dignity and never criticize them, especially in public.

Rely on Faith

The fourth and the most important part of communication is faith. Raising children is hard work, and we often don’t know what to do or how we will have the energy to do it. Our creator knew that families are the most important part of our life and that we would have to lean on Him to be successful. Just as we ask forgiveness from Him, let us be quick to forgive our children and not bring up past offences. Let us be thankful to have the gift of children. Now, when I feel a bit sad that my children are often off on adventures, I take time to reflect that this was the goal of being a parent, to raise children who are self-sufficient.

Effort Reaps Rewards…and Laughter

It was our goal to be honest with our children, shower them with our time, treat them with dignity and respect and in faith, give the rest to God. Although we are less than perfect parents, we do have a well-practiced sense of humor. As our children become more independent and travel the world, I am deeply touched by how much they need our love and reassurance. It is a blessing to receive phone calls that excitedly share news and tidbits of adventures. And on those occasions when there is less communication than I would like, I treasure a humorous email entitled “searching for intelligent life in Cleveland?” or “Information leading to contact with a student named Jon will win posted award.” Messages like these bring much-needed laughter. Enjoy your children; they are a priceless gift.

Donna Evans is the mother of two exceptional sons and a college instructor teaching entry-level computer information technology. She believes that a good sense of humor should be applied liberally.