Inspiration

I am Alone

By Augustine Colebrook

Inspiration

I Started Over, Alone

I packed a gerbil and fish behind the cab of the truck insulated with a towel;
I packed light bulbs and Q-tips®, too many for one household;
I packed paintings and paint with aspirations of using both;
I said goodbye and left no trace;
In the season of renewal, I started over alone.

I drove through towns and through forests;
I drove over a blizzard-choked mountain and away from the blue sky and desert air;
I drove past fields of florescent green and impossibly thick forests of pine and spruce;
I helped my kids stay sane and grounded;
And in the season of renewal, I started over alone.

I moved a king size bed and a full-size freezer;
I moved my whole office and two-300 pound exam tables in the rain;
I moved 1600 cubic feet worth of stuff and wondered if it wasn't time to downsize;
I cried as hard as it rains here;
And in the season of renewal, I started over alone.

I set up room after room, recasting our lives in new hues and new arrangements;
I set up pictures and wall hangings, bathrooms and a kitchen;
I set up a big tree and a normal holiday, complete with all the trimmings except the trip to Grandma's;
I laid a fire against the cold and the heating bill;
In the season of renewal, I started over alone.

I started a new job and new schedule;
I started a journal and a diet;
I started to cry less and to laugh more;
I encouraged onions to grow upright in the ground;
And in the season of renewal, I started over alone.

I met the neighbors that grow vegetables and the neighbors that raise pigs;
I met the kids with a smile and tried to believe my new definition of life;
I met the cable guy and was winked at for the first time in 10 years;
I smiled this morning just because everything was where I put it the night before;
And I have started over alone.

I believe that I am whole all by myself;
I believe that life is easier now, though I work harder;
I believe in miracles even if they come in the form of betrayal;
I am alone again for the first time;
And have had my own renewal in this season of beginnings.

Augustine Colebrook is a newly divorced single mother of three living in southern Oregon. She is the director of a small non-profit organization serving at-risk youth and their families, and also a state- licensed midwife.