Dater's Ed, Second Gear: The road map
Written by Lisa Jander
Parenting
Is it possible to live on this planet and avoid relationships? More likely than missing potholes on my dirt road during winter? We all know that kids will develop many healthy "non-dating" relationships during school-age years that a parent can and should encourage: team sports, supportive friends, church groups, etc. These are vital to your child's well-being and self-esteem, but these aren't the relationships we fear. These aren't the ones that kids fret over and lose sleep over as they anguish in the night about whether Jordan noticed the bracelet they were wearing that dangled the new "Forever" charm, saved for with hard-earned lawn-mowing money.
As parents, you can ignore the signs or try to dampen the longing by locking your child in the garage, but it won't stall the power train of internal desire. "Watch the way Mimi struts her way past the wrestling team." Teens are going to want. They can't help it. Their brains lead with emotion and the hearts come in a close second.
However, as a pro-active parent you can do what's in your power to build up character in your children beforehand so that when they do begin to pick up speed down the Dating Highway, they will be responsible and educated, firing on all cylinders, not off-roading on two wheels. In order to promote safe, healthy relationships your child must pass Respect 101, attend Understanding U., and graduate from the School of Trust.
Buckle up...It's the Law of Attraction!
When your child was in a portable car seat, you might have driven with two fists clutching the wheel. As your child reached middle school, you loosened your grip and let the wheel glide through your fingers, but you were still in control. You'd been doing this awhile. Could your child learn how to drive by watching you from the back seat? "Bumpkins, I know you just turned 25, but Mommy wants to make sure we get there safe and sound so she's driving." Would any state in this nation issue someone a Graduated Driver's License because they watched their parent drive?
The "driver's seat" is how many adults view their role as parents. Period. "My child needs a parent not a friend." Actually, they need both. But one of your biggest jobs as a parent is to teach them to stand up on their own four wheels.
You held their hand when they toddled around your first apartment. You clung to the back of their tricycle as they motored up and down the driveway until they pouted, "I do it." You clutched the seat of their Raleigh Flyer until they could ride upright but wobbly down to the corner playground and back. And now, in the natural evolution of "gotta get from here to there," you're teaching them how to drive. Not like a friend (riding shotgun, jamming to your iPodTM with your head out the window shouting "Faster, dude. I gotta dry my hair"), but like a parent. Firmly in the passenger's seat, radio off, windows up, antenna tuned to every object within a ¼ mile radius. ("Zach, honey, do you see the Good Humor man pulling out of that driveway? Hitting him would not be funny.")
Are you a better driver than your student? Could you safely and intelligently drive the whole team to the away soccer game in Calgary? Of course. Why? Because someone taught you how to drive. Someone slid over on the huge bench seat of your own teenage training-Buick and said, "Here honey, you try." And now it's your turn. Are you losing control? Yup. That's parenthood. Hang on and buckle up - that's how you're going to teach your child how to date. You're going to uncurl your fingers, slide over and say, "Here's the (gulp) key. Try not to hit a tree. I'll be right here in the passenger's seat, buckled in behind an airbag and a prayer."
Nearly all American parents know the rules of the road. Road commissions in every state have generously planted warning and instructional signs all over streets and highways to help us safely guide our vehicles. Why not use these obvious and colorful tools to help our precious, and still single, teens and pre-teens date defensively? In both dating and driving you want the same things for your child: no speeding, no accidents, no bad influences or distractions, and please don't raise my insurance rates. You thought unsafe driving was expensive? The cost for unsafe dating is enormous.
Here is your roadmap.
Driver's Ed gives you the curriculum. Think of a dating education in the same two parts: Segment One and Segment Two.
Segment One is all about the classroom hours. In this segment, teens gain the head knowledge it takes to operate a two-ton vehicle. The goal is to try to put their underdeveloped prefrontal cortexes into gear and make good decisions. Dating, however, will require ten times the logic and decision making to keep these precious hormone machines from downshifting into drama. The key is to wrap some sense around these emotionally charged experiences that both dating and driving seem to gravitate towards. To do that, we have to define dating; put into words a clear description that all of you can agree on before your teen starts rolling downhill. Here's an idea of how the conversation about dating might wind up:
Dating Quiz:
"When you say ‘date,' what exactly do you mean by that?"
"What is the difference between going to lunch with a close girl ‘friend' and a date?"
"Define your idea of an appropriate ‘first date.'"
"How long would you want a first date to be?"
"What kinds of places should you steer clear of?"
You see, the answers to these questions will give you miles of insight into the maturity level and preparedness of your youngster - as long as you are not the one answering those questions! My motto is this: "If you don't know, you don't go!" Does the Driver's Ed Instructor take the exam for your teen to make sure he/she passes?
Have conversations about what they mean when they think of dating. Use driving as a guide by defining driving. Are you driving when you are in a bumper car? Explore together what teens and pre-teens will face on the Dating Highway before they ever leave their seats. That's what classrooms are for.
Segment Two puts your student actually behind the wheel of a relationship. This is where the heart and emotions engage. You don't usually have to encourage a teen to "want" to fall in love. "Now Chrissie, I really want you to start thinking of Adam romantically by the end of the week." They have that one down pat. But you will have to consider lifting your boot off the brake. At some point they have to drive; at some point they have to date. Through merit and compliance, they will earn a "dating permit."
"Ok, honey, you're in the driver's seat. Can you really merge at that speed?" You can follow the test guidelines straight out of the Michigan Driver's Ed Manual. It is designed to cover the varied scenarios, road conditions, and hazards that confront every driver (dater) as they begin their relationship journeys. It provides practical examples for you and your child to explore together. What do those signs indicate? Why is that boundary line there? What do you mean "my vision is impaired by the oncoming gleam of his smile"?
Drive It Home...
"Ok, sweetie. You have ten dollars to spend at the County Fair with Jennifer. Do you buy popcorn or two chances to guess her weight?" Again, develop your own examples to fit your own values and personalities, but don't skip this step. This is where you will see the real benefits of "riding shotgun" as their primary observer.
DIA-LOG with your student by asking open-ended questions...
Sit right down beside your teen and have a conversation. During this interactive classroom you can toss intelligent questions back and forth without actually getting behind the wheel. "Jess, what do you think Calvin is hoping to do after he drops out of school?" One of the keys to any successful education is to encourage students to articulate what they have learned - to hear themselves say it out loud. "Budapest is the capital of Hungary. Force equals mass times acceleration. Calvin will "find himself" as he flips burgers."
I feel like my teen is diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You and your student are about to take a family road trip where you will explore the two biggest questions that might just change the way you view dating:
What is the definition of dating?
When should my child begin dating?
Ok, three questions:
What is my job as the passenger and "Primary Observer"?
Kids are in contact with thousands of potential "dates" throughout their school years. Someone has to guide them, steer them, keep them between the lines and off the curbs. You have a framework in which to teach them these important dating principals, based on something you know very well already - driving. You know how to drive and you know how to teach driving. You can apply very common Driver's Ed analogies that can be found everywhere.
Not all kids are created equal. Not all kids are created equal. They don't drive the same and they certainly don't date the same. Every student will pave his own road. What will you use as your teen's dating test track?
"I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone."
-Javan
Lisa Jander is a Certified Life Coach, CTACC, public speaker, and former director of a dating service in California. As the mother of two teens and surrogate to hundreds more, ‘Mama J' shares her unique relationship insights with her readers in her book, Dater's Ed: The Instruction Manual for Parents Her seminars and interactive workshops provide parents and students with creative tools to navigate the relationship highway.
