Parenting
Parents can “ask nicely” too!
By Fran Hendrick, PCC
Parenting
There are some people in our lives that we just love doing things for.
When Aunt Jane calls and asks for computer assistance, it's a pleasure to give her the answer she needs; more than she needs, in fact. You might even find yourself calling her back to make sure everything's working for her.
A request from Aunt Jane is a compliment. She's interested in something you're good at; she recognizes your knowledge. She likes you. She appreciates your help. And there's something else about Aunt Jane. She takes herself lightly.
Those are all great things to remember when asking your children to do something. If you find yourself quick to fall into issuing commands rather than creating a positive connection, ask yourself, why? When it comes to a reason to interrupt their own activities to do what they're asked, "because I said so" just isn't very motivating to most kids. And being "the heavy" only reminds children that they're not very high in the pecking order.
When the shoe is on the other foot, that is, when kids make demands, it's second nature to ask them to try again. "Gimme a cookie!" is met with a reminder to "ask nicely."
Of course, asking nicely is not a sign of weakness or abdicating authority. It's simply good leadership. Think of people you've worked for. Surely you've never been confused about who signed your paycheck, but it's far easier to do your best for some managers than for others.
Articulating directions and expectations in a way that motivates not only gets the job done; it also teaches kids that enlisting others to work collaboratively is about influence, not about power. That's an important life skill.
The most effective teaching is the example you set. So next time you're about to exclaim, "You need to clean up the family room RIGHT NOW," take a minute to find a compliment. It might sound like this: "It looks so beautiful in here when you straighten it up! Get it done in ten minutes so we can read a story on the sofa before dinner!"
Fran Hendrick is director of parenting coaching services, a blogger, and a parenting coach herself with MyParentingSource.com. The site is a resource where parents can connect, learn practical parenting tips and have the ability to "Ask A Parent Coach" when real-life issues need a third-party, experienced perspective. Fran is an independently licensed professional clinical counselor with more than 20 years' experience of working with children and families around the country. She also writes a weekly column for a daily newspaper. You can connect with Fran at www.MyParentingSource.com.
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