Parenting

Teaching Teens Life Skills

By Jennifer Redmond

Parenting

You had glimpses of it when he was a baby. Wearing a bright yellow bib with “Mommy’s Little Darling,” screened onto the front, he holds his spoon in a chubby fist and eagerly awaits his bowl of cereal. Next thing you know it, the bowl is on the floor, cereal is in Junior’s ears and you’re on your hands and knees wiping up a mess
And you think it’ll change once he becomes a handsome young man who can use his cutlery properly. But ahhh, don’t be surprised if, despite improved motor coordination and the absence of a bib (which may not be a good thing), you’re still on your hands and knees cleaning up crushed Cheerios from beneath the kitchen table. What has happened in the past 15 years? Or, as I seem to wail repeatedly to my sons, “Where are your life skills?”

I am in good company. On one recent night out, a group of moms bemoaned the fact that their darlings would soon be in college and had no notion of how to properly wash a load of laundry, fold a shirt, prepare a meal, clean a toilet, balance a checkbook or shop for underwear. I’m not talking about creating a budget and running a household here. These are relatively simple tasks. Oh, and then there are niceties like writing thank-you notes and returning phone calls. I apologize now to my future daughters-in-law. I tried. I really did.

Ok, putting it all in perspective, it is certainly more important that our children grow up substance-free and minus a criminal record. And yes, we all know some adults who have yet to master basic life skills like preparing mac and cheese from a box. Which is why we’re all a bit scared, right?

How can we get our children to absorb the most mundane life skills they’ll need to function in a civilized, grown-up world?

A hardly-scientific study of moms who have succeeded (in other words, their grown kids “got it”) where I am struggling yields the following tips:

Teach them

This comes from my own mother, of course. “Just spend a little time showing them how to (insert any task).” I should point out here that this does work for Grandma. My sons seem to actually hear her words, which is the key. I should also point out that I have tried this myself and it works about ¼ of the time, assuming all electronic games and appliances are turned off and the cell phone has been removed from the premises.

Try a “manners” class

To those who scoff that such a concept is unnecessary when we moms should be successfully teaching these skills at home, consider how much more effective is information when delivered by adults other than those who do the actual parenting. (See the point made above.) Can’t argue this point, can you? If someone other than Mom and Dad tells John that wiping his mouth with his shirt will frighten future employers, he may actually take this as truth! Check schools and community centers for class offerings. We can’t help you get your child to class, however. That’s another issue.

Fold like Old Navy

One mom caught her 12-year-old son folding a shirt beautifully. Gasping in delight, she exclaimed, “I’ve done something right!” To which he replied, “Mrs. Gregory at school taught us this. This is how you fold the old Navy way!” Now, this mom didn’t know if the teacher taught the children to fold a shirt as they do in the military or the retail chain, but she really didn’t care. The fact is, this child successfully learned a skill she had been touting for years.

Stage “Dinners with the Queen/President/Pope/Person of Influence:”

I admit that we’ve tried this. Set the table with the good stuff, cloth napkins, etc. Serve a simple meal in courses in the dining room and pretend you’re at a fancy dinner. The kids do behave better and eventually learn the purpose of a salad fork. Do it enough and apparently it’ll come naturally. Or so I’ve been told.

Give them chores

This means we mothers have to step back and realize the toilet will not be scrubbed as well as we ourselves would do it. Here’s the rub: If the job isn’t to your liking, don’t “fix it” when the kids are not around. They figure that out and use it in future efforts as an excuse to do a not-so-thorough job. I suspect that husbands adopt this system to get out of doing the laundry as well. Could this be an inherited male trait?

Stop doing it for them

This is an age-old method also known as “going on strike.” Give them notice (in my case, I posted a sign on the bedroom door) that all housekeeping will cease and the youth residing therein will be responsible for cleaning up their own messes, doing their own laundry, etc. This works sometimes. We’re one week into this experiment and one of my sons is doing a fine job, while the other doesn’t notice the wet towel, four pairs of socks and dank smell in his room. So we can conclude this method is 50% effective after one week. I am hoping to have greater success with the kitchen strike I’m about to stage.

Take them shopping

Yes, this is painful but it must be done. At some point all mothers must accept that their sons don’t like their taste in clothes or food and thus they must accompany their parents to the store for actual real-life necessities (electronics and music don’t count). Show them how to find a firm head of lettuce and choose a fresh loaf of bread. Show them how to clip coupons and compare prices. Make them try on 20 pairs of pants and pick their own size from the rack. If you’re really brave, take them to the hardware store. Note: This task is often best left to Dad.

Correct them!

One mom admits that though her two sons (now 19 and 21) didn’t relish her pointing out when they breached the rules of etiquette, they thank her for it now. “A funny game that has evolved for the boys (independently so I guess that is a coincidence) is that they race their girfriends to car doors. The girls want to open the doors…but the boys want to open the doors for them, so now it is a contest! We took the boys and girlfriends out for dinner and imagine our surprise when all four sprinted from the restaurant to the car to see who could open the door first.” They all laughed as each couple realized they have the same response to the same behavior.

Write notes

This is not a problem in my household. I leave notes on (and in) the fridge, the bathroom mirror, the computer screen and even their pillows. Little reminders, like “don’t eat,” or “make your bed” or “wait until you’re married.” Stuff like that. I’ve been told this information will sink in after 18 years or so.

Allow them to be embarrassed

This only works with female peers. Teenage boys appear to care what girls think of them. Clean hair and fingernails seem to matter to girls. So do “listening” skills. From my slipshod survey, I have found no mother who was able to assist with the listening part, however. But apparently the girl factor does take care of the personal hygiene elements. Eventually.

Lead by example

This might be the best tip for all mothers who are praying for the welfare of their sons. I’m told that if we fold, clean, listen, talk to and shop with our children, they may have life skills when they grow up. In other words, keep at it!

Whew! Who knew it could be so easy.